After lunch, they had some free time to socialize before the testing began. Morty planned to take this time to nap, but was caught by Patty on his way out.

“Morty? Aren’t you going to stay and chat?”

“No, I thought I’d get some shut eye before the barrage of tests they throw at us.”

“Well that’s a good a idea. I should do the same, I’m just so excited.”

“I know how you feel. But I’ll see you later. We’ll have dinner after we’re done, how’s that?”

“Oh that sounds lovely.”

Morty smiled and returned to his room. He had just closed his eyes when the communicator next to his bed beeped. A slap of his hand answered it. “Yes?”

“Just reminding you that your first appointment is in 15 minutes,” came the male voice on the other end.

“15 minutes?” He looked at the clock on the wall. He’d been asleep for almost two hours. “Okay, thanks, I’ll be there.” The com flicked off and he rolled out of bed. Won’t have to deal with this too much longer. He sat up in bed, but found he had done it too quickly. The blood rushing from his head was too fast and he felt dizzy; his vision began to blur and fade. Oh no, he thought, not again. His heart began to pound. This had happened to him a few years ago. He’d gone to the hospital with a minor heart attack. I’m so close. He held his chest and tried to keep breathing. He fell down to the floor and laid there breathing hard and holding his chest. Keep it together. Keep it together, old man. Slowly, his respirations slowed and his vision returned. He laid out on the floor looking up at the ceiling. He knew he couldn’t get up. If he did, he would go through the same thing again. He just laid there. He was able to lift his hand and hit the com.

“Yes,” came Sophie’s voice after a moment.

“Can you let them know I’ll be a little late to my appointment?”

“Certainly. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, I’m just running a little late.”

“Alright, Morty, I’ll let them know.”

“Thanks.” He clicked off the com and continued laying on the ground for another thirty minutes.

When he finally made it to the appointment, he felt much better. A man in a white coat met him at the door and invited him in. “My name’s Doctor Spicer, I’ll be your primary care physician for the remainder of your stay here at Central.”

“I’m Morty.”

He directed Morty to take off his clothes, put on a scrub gown and sit down on a warm table. He examined Morty head to toe: scalp, eyes, ears, mouth, breath pressure, blood pressure, strength, heart, oxygen saturation, knee joint automation, turn and cough, the slippery finger, blood test, vision test, smell test, nerve test, and various other tests and examinations. After Morty felt thoroughly violated, Dr. Spicer said it was time for the tube scan. Morty didn’t like this scan. He’d had to do one of his head in his 30s when a payload had fallen on him. That alone was uncomfortable, but this would be his entire body. The MicroCellular Magnetic Resonance Relative Imager, MCMRRI, or commonly know as the “Tube scan” because of the large tube a person is put into in order to achieve the resulting image, produces a three dimensional image of any section or the body in its entirety much like the earlier versions of MRI’s. It uses magnetic resonance to shift the rotations of all the molecules in the body so that they all reflect light in the same direction. This allows the scanner’s sensors to move the magnetic plane across the body and get the resulting image of the inner workings of the body on a three dimension scale. The MCMRRI, however is much more advanced and can zoom in to a level of cellular detail, allowing physicians to see the workings of each cell of the body, which makes it possible to run test algorithms on how the body might react to certain medications or stimuli based on the function of each cell. In essence, the tube scan creates a virtual representation of the subject being scanned. Because of the level of detail and accuracy needed for the tube scan to function, the subject must remain in the tube for hours, almost completely motionless in order to get an accurate scan.

“Would you like a sedative or anything?” asked Dr. Spicer.

“Yes, please.”

Dr. Spicer gave Morty a mild sedative and laid him down on the table. A light and soothing symphony came on over the speakers and Morty closed his eyes and tried to relax himself as the table slid gently into the tube. Morty kept his eyes closed. He knew the tube was surrounding him, a mere few inches from his face, but if he didn’t open his eyes, he’d be okay.

“How are you doing?” came Dr. Spicer’s comforting voice over the intercom.

“I’m alright,” Morty lied.

“Okay, now try not to move; go to sleep if you want. I just need you to be absolutely still.”

Morty was starting to regret the nap he’d taken earlier. He stared at the backs of his eyelids and wondered what it would be like to be young again. Would he feel the unstoppable energy he remembered from his youth? Would he feel just as immortal as he had felt back then? Only one way to find out: lie still.

Singapore has been fun but more for the people I’ve met then for the city itself.  This hostel is kind of small but nice.  Singapore has some activities to offer but you have to pay for anything that isn’t shopping.  Didn’t do anything on Thursday night but met this nice UK couple, Diane and John and we hung out the next day together.  We went to Snow City where they have an indoor snow hill.  I’ve always wanted to go to one and apparently there’s one in Glasgow too (so Diane was telling me), but the one here in Singapore is rather unimpressive, it’s mostly for kids.  THey open up snowboarding during the evening and put up terrain but it’s seriously like a bunny slope.  That said, we had some wicked fun goin down the slope in intertubes. We went down loads and did a train of the three of us to get the most speed.  After doing that for more then an hour, we spent the rest of the day in the Science Center which was also for kids, but we had a blast anyway.  I especially love kid’s stuff, they get all the fun toys.  We saw an IMAX about the Alps made in teh 80s (I know that because of the power guitar chords put excessively in the soundtrack).

Before we left to go to Snow City, I met this girl at the breakfast table named Agnieszka.  She had this beautiful curly hair and was sitting at her computer programming.  After disturbing her from her work for a bit I found out that she was a web programmer from Canada who’d lived in London and Australia for the past six years.  She could do her job from anywhere, so now was traveling and working for a bit.  That was pretty awesome since that’s exactly what I’d like to do.  She was leaving on a plane that day and so I got her email before she left and added her on facebook before I went to snow City. 

After John, Diane and I got back from Snow City, I jumped on the net real quick and found that she had messaged me.  Apparently, there were complications with her flight and she’d gone to snow city to look for me.  She’d left her cell number so I borrowed Diane’s phone and texted her.  She was near the hostel and we met up at the McDonald’s.  John and Diane were pooped but Agnieszka was up for doing something, so we went out to the Night Safari at the zoo.  it was really neat and saw all sorts of strange creatures including a huge flying squarrel, it’s actually called the giant flying squarrel.  We went out to eat afterwards and had a great time. 

She had to get on a plane the next day, so we spent most of the next day in Little India, which btw has some of the best food ever.  I love Indian food and this stuff is actually cheap and delicious.  There’s a place called Salivation which is all vegeterian food but tastes fantastic.  I’ve eaten there a few times already.  Now she’s gone on her flight to Koh Phan Nang for Christmas, sigh.

This morning, I went to Sentosa Island which is just off the coast of Singapore, you can actually take a cable car from Mount Faber, which I did.  It’s sort of a little amusement park, resort area, kind of like a Disney island junior.  I walked on the beach for a bit and did some rides before returning to the hostel to get some grub and research cameras.  They have some cheap electronics stores here which makes me want to buy a DSLR, cause I’ve always wanted one.  Haven’t gotten anything yet.  Okay, there’s a dude telling me he needs the net, so I gotta get off.  Night!

Well, I just passed through Bangkok for a day but wish I’d stayed longer.  I unexpectedly ran into some really cool Aussies in the hostel I was staying at.  And the hostel, Sukhumvit Soi 1 Hostel (catchy name I know) was really cool too, the owner just kinda hangs around watching over business and talking to travelers; kinda like what I’d like to do some day.

Anyway, I’ve just realized I didn’t take any pictures for the entire day I was in Bangkok which sucks cause I met Trinh and Steve there, two Aussies.  I actually tried to change my flight to a day later to stay longer but AirAsia would not allow it.  So I’m in Singapore now.  All I did in Bangkok was go to the market and do something very debasing…  hmmm, what could it be?  The anxiety is killing you I know.   Well apparently I had to go to a pingpong show, so I’ve been told by other travelers.  You have to experience it but only once, seriously only ONCE.  It’s in the Pingpat district, a very seedy part of town and involves (mother please don’t read this) basically girls shooting things out of their vajayjays.  Some of it was actually kind of impressive, this one girl could pop a balloon by shooting a dart from a tube like 20 feet away.  There were other things like ping pong balls and smoking and writing all done from that same region of the female anatomy.  It was all quite uncomfortable and we stayed for like 5 or 10 minutes and were like, okay, that’s enough, we’ve seen it, done.  Afterwards Steve and I both felt like we’d just seen an old lady strip tease, not pleasant at all.  Trinh was surprisingly excited though.  Then we went to the market and I bought some knock off sunglasses cause I broke mine in the jungle.

Now I’m in Singapore, a very non seedy, very clean place.  The entire city was basically planned out before any real building was done so it’s incredibly efficient, and I love efficiency.  I might just stay in tonight and go see the botanical gardens tomorrow.  They have loads of DVDs here and I’m quite exhausted.  Maybe a night in is a good idea for once.

oooohhh, another night of heavy drinking.  Why world why?!!  Why must you love drinking so much?! 

Didn’t do much yesterday.  I find it’s much more fun to go out with people and the census is very low here in Chiang Mai at the moment.  Actually, the hostels in Chiang Mai are not really communal friendly.  There isn’t a garden or kitchen or lounge to relax and meet people.  There’s just restaurants on the bottom floor.  I spent most of the morning on the internet and then walked around and drew some of the wats and nagas.  I took a nap and finally gave in and got a Thai massage.  I wasn’t going to get one cause of all the things I heard of them cracking things and bending you.  But I had nothing else to do so I figured why not.  “Why not?”  <— something Puzaa and other Thai people say alot.  There are even shirts which say it.  It’s right up there with “Same Same but different.” which was said all the time.

Anyway, I went to this place right down the street from my hostel and the lady (La) was very nice and the massage was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It was actually quite nice, at least the legs and arms were, once she got to the back, I had to tell her to be softer, “sof sof” she said.  They like to repeat things here.  She did this thing on my legs where she pushes really hard on the femoral artery for a while which kinda hurts, but then when she lets go, your leg gets all warm and it feels really good.  Definitely will be taking back some new moves from this. 

Met up with Grayson after that cause I thought there was a fight that night that we could see.  Turns out I was an idiot and didn’t read the date and it was for the next night and there was no fight that night.  Dang it, I have to see a Muay Thai match before I leave Thailand.  So we got some dinner and then did some bar hopping which turned out to be really fun.  We found some cool bars and met some cool people at the roof top bar.  When that closed we went to a bar called Spicy and danced till like 5am.  THEEEEeeenn, I got to get up at 8:30a to make my flight, yay!  I’m in the airport now about to leave.  Off to Bangkok.

Oh my goodness, the last three days have been awesome.  Some beautiful scenery, awesome people and great experiences.   Stretch your eye muscles cause this is gonne be a long post (as if the last one wasn’t I know).

So I of course didn’t have time the day before with Mr. Noi to book my 3 day trip so I woke up early to try to get on the trip leaving on Friday in the morning and was successful.  The hooded pick up truck they call santee came to pick me up and I met my group, consisting of Mike (USA), Micha (Belgium), Tim (Bulgaria), Uli (Germany), Toby (Germany), Grayson (Canada), and a french couple whose names I never really got correct.   We started out at the elephant camp where we rode elephants for about an hour.  That was pretty fun.  First, I started out on the carriage on its back and after asking the head rider, he let me ride on the head of the elephant and that was crazy.  Those huge shoulders move all over the place and I almost fell over, but i got it by the end.  THankfully the rule of “i have to fall once first” did not apply this time.  I also got snotted all over with elephant mucous, mmmm.  We had some bananas and it would stick its trunk up in my face every once in a while wanting more bananas.

After that, we walked for about 3 hours, seeing some interesting flora along the way.  Like there was this plant our guide, Puzaa, called a sensetive plant.  When you touch it, the fern fronds close up.  It was pretty cool.  Puzaa by the way was a 22 year old guide and was a lot of fun.  If you ever go to Thailand, I have his email, and you should go with him.  We walked passed a small waterfall where some Belgians were swimming.  We decided to wait until the falls we’d see tomorrow and instead Grayson and I climbed up the rocks on top of it.  We’re both pretty high energy people and spent the entire trip playing and climbing on things.  He’s a paramedic, perhaps that’s a medical thing with the high energy.

FInally, we reached high camp.  This was Lahu Village which sat atop a mountain looking down over the valley.  When we started, we could see a wat pagoda in the distance and from this vantage, we could see that, the elephant camp, and miles more waaay down there.  The village was amazine: houses on stilts to compensate for the hilly base, all made of bamboo and grass roofs.  I cannot describe to you the beauty of it; far better then the Amazon.  The people were really nice and Grayson and I took a walk around the village.  We followed the sound of commotion and found a soccer game going on so we joined in.

After that, we had dinner in out hut which was right on the edge of the mountain and had a spectacular view of the moon and in the morning, the sun rise.  Dinner was thai rice and veges with pineapples.  We played cards, I taught them Stress and Puzaa taught me how to play Thai rummy.  (you play for money).  THen he brought out the guitar and we sang songs around candle light until bed time.

My sleep was iffy at best, not only was it really cold (shoud’ve brought my sleeping bag), but the freakin roosters were going off all morning long.  Needless to say I was up early and it was then that I accomplished something I have been attempting for years now.  Some of you know.  THat’s right, I pooped while squatting.  Never before have I been able to accomplish this task.  THere were no western style toilets, just holes in the ground to pumbling in which you poured water after you were done to flush it down.  So yes, the impossible has been accomplished.  Now all that remains is to poop in the wild and I will be a true outdoorsman.

After breakfast, we began walking up the path and Puzaa showed us some other interesting types of plants, like one which you could rip a stalk off, split it near the leaf and blow bubbles from it.  THere’s also a way to strip a peice of long grass so you can pull it really fast and launch the stem out at someone.  And of course there’s the whistling grass.  Good times.  On the way out of the village there was what looked like a badmiton net and a bamboo weaved ball which was surprisingly strong.  This was a Takraw set or Thai volleyball in which you can use any part of your body except your hands.  We played for like a half hour and I still didn’t get enough.

From there, we walked on to the bamboo forest.  We stopped for lunch which took a while cause Puzaa card us plates out of the bamboo and made a fire.  We played around in the forest and Grayson climbed up in the trees.  Looking back, it seems like Puzaa was always having to run after Grayson yelling, “Please no, save my job, save my job.”  It was quite funny.  I took the shards from Puzaa’s carvings and braided a pretty nice rope with which I used to make a bamboo bench between two trees, roping together a third bamboo stalk for stability.  Then I started weaving, what I did not know at the time, but finally I figured out that it was a banana hamock.  THat’s right, I weaved a banana hammock.  You could stick the banana in the net between two sticks and hold it over a fire to roast it.  MMMMmmmm.

Grayson also took this time to wrap Ulli’s foot cause she’d gotten pretty bad blisters on one, and later one it happened to the other and she had to switch from sandles to shoes.  She finally had to grab two bamboo stalks to help her walk, but she made it.

Oh, Puzaa also showed us this water resistant plant which I know doesn’t make much sense, but if you pour water on it, it wouldn’t soak in, it would just pool and slide on the top like mercury; a very oily plant I guess, but it looked cool.

Finally, we got to the waterfall which came down quite hard actually and it was fun to stand underneath and try to resist it.  I think I lost a third of my hair doing that.  The water was pretty cold but you get used to it, I just hope I’m leech free.  ;)  We stayed there swimming and jumping off stuff for about 45 minutes and then walked on to another waterfall which was just to look at but still beautiful.  We followed the river down along a path that was hardly a path in many places, until we got to the low jungle camp.  Our housing was very similar, just this time no walls at the top, they just weren’t needed.  We had dinner and played music and cards and drank beer until we went to bed.  In the morning, after breakfast, we shot some slingshots around (of which i was pretty damn good if i do say so myself), and walked only about 30 minutes to where we’d shove off for rafting.

I’ve done a lot of kayaking and double rafting but never team rafting so this was an interesting experience.  We had to follow the commands of the captain and keep in time.  it wasn’t perilous cause the water was pretty low, but it was a lot of fun.  Then we went on to traditional slow bamboo rafts along calm water.  Puzaa called it the bamboo submarine cause when you get 6 or 7 people on it, it’s pretty much under water and your goods are the size of peas.  I don’t remember who started it, but someone started rocking the boat back and forth and then I stood up and started shifting it even more and pretty soon everyone had stood up to avoid falling out which only made the raft sink even more pretty much to the bottom until we all sat down again.  It was hilarious.  We had lunch after docking just off the river and laid out on a wooden suspension bridge until it was time to head back to civilization.

We planned to meet up later on for dinner and to go out.  A first had to get fitted for my suit that I bought.  It was like first class service, this place, called Thai-Inter Fabrics, is really nice and this suit is going to be fantastic.  I ended up getting two more tailored shirts as a result (AAAHHHH, too much money!).

I met up with the Jungle Gang, which I shall now be calling them, and we went to a local Thai place Toby and Ulli recommended.  It was definitely different, but the fish was very good.  Then we met up with Puzaa at a club in real Chiang Mai called the Warm Up Cafe.  Now hearing this name and knowing that it is a place where local Thais go and not a tourist spot, I guess I was expecting more of a dive, but damn it was nice!  THe place had a huge covered outdoor section and an ACed inside section for dancing.  There were two live bands and all the cheap cocktails you could handle.  It was a lot of fun and Grayson and I ended up staying to play some pool after everyone else left.  A good weekend friends, nay a great weekend.

Now I’m sitting in the internet cafe trying to upload all my pics to make space on my mem card.  Wish yall were here.  Tomorrow I should be off to Singapore.

Everyone filed into the large reception hall which now had rowed seats instead of tables in it. Morty found his table mates in a row and sat with them, chatting quietly before the meeting began. Sophie walked up to the microphone which was standing in front of them next to a podium.

“Good morning everyone. Did you sleep well?”

Various affirmations went through the crowd.

“Good. Today, I’m going to orient all of you on the coming pre and post procedure schedule as well as the procedure itself. There’ll be plenty of time for questions at the end, so please wait until I open the floor up for them before you raise your hand, unless you think it’s one that absolutely can’t wait. I trust you all brought your folders?”

Morty got a flashback of his schooling days and felt very much like he was already 16 again.

“Please open them to the third page which contains the schedule for the next month. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, giving you your second life in Haven with a brand new body involves moving your brain from your current body to your younger clone, whose genetic code was taken from you at birth. This is a very delicate procedure which takes an entire day. You’ll notice that each of you have different appointments and recovery schedules, so each packet will be a little bit different based on your physical condition and needs. Today, we’ll start your pre-op schedule which includes a full body tube scan as well as a physical.”

Bob raised his hand.

“Yes, Robert?”

“Why do we need a physical if we’re not going to be using these bodies anymore?”

“What’s going on in the whole body can affect the brain. We just want to be thorough. For instance, if we see a clogged artery in one part of the body, we’ll have a better sense of where to look at the brain in more detail for problems.”

She paused to be sure that answered his question and then continued, “You’ll also be subject to a psychological examination and mental preparation which includes meditation sessions and exercise. I healthy mind leads to a healthy body and vice versa. After this meeting, during lunch, I’ll go over with each of you individually your personal body choices and preferred lifestyle in Haven just to make sure that what you filled out in your original One-Two form is still what you desire.

“As for the actual procedure, we’re going to put you out of course, but don’t worry, our anesthesiologists know what they’re doing. You won’t feel a thing, but you will be a bit groggy and disoriented when you wake up. You’ll notice the differences within a few hours and will be able to move more easily and without all the creaks and cracks of your current bodies.”

A quiet laughter rolled through the room.

“However, we urge you not to get up or try to walk for at least 24 hours just to make sure that there are no complications.”

A woman raised her hand and Sophie called on her. “What sort of complications could their be?”

“We do our best to predict how your brain might react to the transition but we’re not always flawless, so complications can occur. However, I assure you that serious complications only occur in 2% of all patients. Such complications could be brain tumors, swelling in the brain tissue, neuron enlargement due to stress, substantial loss of blood flow to one or more areas of the brain, or at the worst, lack of neurological synaptic firing. These are among the worst possibilities, but are rare and completely treatable. All of these complications and others are outlined in your packets.

Furthermore, you’ll notice in your schedules time blocked out for ‘additional procedures as needed.’ These are not only for possible complications, but are more often used for cosmetic procedures if you are not satisfied with your physical features or never want to shave your legs again ladies. You can of course also do this later once in the White City.”

Felicia whispered to Patty that she had heard women in Haven don’t have any leg hair or arm hair. Patty looked at her astonished, “Really?” She brushed her hand across her hairy arm pits through her shirt. “Wonder what that feels like,” she whispered to herself.

The next few hours were dedicated to a detailed walk through of the procedure and how it works. They even viewed slides projected onto a drop down screen which showed stills of the actual procedure. Some had to leave to get a breath of air since some of the slides were quite graphic. Sophie explained how the surgeons went about cutting the spinal cord just below the lower brain stem before cutting off the circulation to the brain and quickly transferring it to the new body which has already been prepared. The inside of the cranium as well as the transferred brain are covered with a tissue building cream before the brain is set in the cavity. This encourages the growth of blood vessels and connective tissue, making the time the brain is without blood flow minimal. The brain stem is then attached to the new spinal cord via the enzyme dendriphytase. The discovery of this enzyme over two hundred years ago is what made the procedure and ultimately the entire Ones and Twos System of Productivity possible.

Even though the exposure of the brain is very brief and under sterile conditions, it’s still quite traumatic for the tissue which has never otherwise been exposed to the outside world. Because of this, it will swell and bruise in spots. Anti-inflammatories and pain killers are given to keep you relatively comfortable when you wake up.

A man raised his hand and Sophie called on him. “How come we only do this once? Why can’t we keep switching our brains to new bodies?”

“A good question. As I’ve already made clear, the procedure for the brain is quite traumatic and although such experiments have been successful in the past on ideal patients, the success rate is exponentially lower each time you transfer the brain and too risky to perform again on most people, besides your brain does age and after a time, it’s systems, just like those of the rest of your body will decay and shut down.”

“But why not? If you’ve got nothing else to lose? Why not give it a shot?”

“I must emphasize again the difficulties which go along with performing the procedure a second time are immense, but even if the success rate were slightly higher, since it cannot be performed on everyone, it is not allowed in the Ones and Twos System. For a fair and balanced set of lives, performing the procedure once should be sufficient.”

“Yeah,” said a man next to him who smiled and elbowed him, “Be happy with two lives, brother.”

The other man smiled back, satisfied with the response.

Joe raised his hand. “Yes Joe?” Sophie said.

“This is something I’ve always wondered since my original genome evaluation 16 years ago. Since we can clone healthy, strong people, why don’t we just clone an army of workers to do all the work.?”

“Well, that’s in essence what we’ve done. You are that army. But as with any army, your productivity is only as good as your morale, so it behooves us all to keep you happy in everyday life, but especially in the next life. With the fact of a better life, you are kept satisfied and working so that later on you can enjoy the fruits of your labors as a new army works for you. That is the basis of the Ones and Twos System.

After you leave here and your procedures are all successful, you will be taken to the gateway of the White City where you’ll be further briefed on your opportunities in your new life.”

Morty raised his hand. “Are there other cities besides the White City?”

“Oh my yes, all over the world.” Chuckling went through the room at such an odd question.

“Are there other Processing stations like this one?”

“Of course.”

“Well who runs all of that?” The room went silent. None of them knew the answer to this question.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, is there a manager of world activities or…” His sentence trailed off in the hope she would finish it.

“That’s a complicated matter and one best left to explain in the White City. We have much to keep our minds on while here at Central Processing. Let’s focus on keeping you well and into your new body before we talk about your new life.”

Morty nodded.

They broke for lunch and as they ate were called into a private room with Sophie to discuss their genetic and lifestyle profiles. Morty entered the room and sat down in the extremely comfortable chair across a desk from where Sophie was sitting.

“Now,” she began, “Let’s first go over the genetic choices you made 16 years ago when your genome was devitrified and your clone was created. You said you wanted an athletic body, increased intelligence, and all the usual disease preventive measures. But no changes to features or any other attributes, is that correct?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“At this point, you can’t change any of the genetic attributes of your clone, but if you did want to make some change, we can reclone as long as we know we can keep you alive for another 16 years.”

“No no, that’s fine, I’ve waited long enough. I don’t want to wait another 16 years just to change my hair color.”

She laughed, “Alright then. What lifestyle options would you like to pursue?”

He had looked over the choice packet during lunch and circled those things that interested him in red. He handed the packet to her.

“Great. Let’s see… travel, adventure, sailing, modest accommodations. Modest?” She looked at him.

“Yeah, I don’t really need much.”

“Well you’re a far more humble person then I.”

He smiled. He’d always prided himself on being humble, if that made any sense.

“Alright, I think I have enough to work with here. I’ll put together an initial lifestyle profile for your review and you’ll have it in a couple of days.”

“Thanks,” he said rising from his chair. “That was easy.”

“We try to make the process as simple as possible. Can you please send in Hannah Cole when you get out there?”

“Sure.”

As some of you might have guessed from the end of a previous post saying I would rent a motorbike, I had a little disagreement with the ground in the process.  I felt I should float gently through it while it wanted to push me back up.  We compromised by ripping my skin open in several places.  So yeah, I’ve never ridden a motorbike ever before in my life.  And I knew this was the only place they would let me drive one without a license, so I had to do it.  She gave me the 10 seconds of where everything was and I took off.  Within 10 minutes I was skidding to the ground.  Everyone since then has told me I shouldn’t have gotten an automatic.  With a manual of course if I didn’t shift it into a higher gear, it wouldn’t speed up.  What happened was I was trying to brake with my left hand by pulling the hand brake, but my right hand ended up pulling back as well on the handle (which is of course accelerate) and it accelerated out from under me and I skidded along the curb.  Luckily I was very near my hostel and i wanted to use my first aid kit for something.  I rented the bike for 24 hours and didn’t have an accident after that, so like most things I do, I must fall first in order to get how it works.

After that, I biked around town a bit just to get my bearings which didn’t actually help much cause everything looks the same.  There are so many wats (temples) in this city.  Even though it’s small, it boasts almost as many wats as Bangkok.  I went into a few of them which I passed while cruising.  They’re so incredibly ornate.  I got some great pictures.  You have to take your shoes off before you enter the temple, for it is a sacred space.  On the outside of the wats are statues of nagas which are protective serpents.  They’re really cool looking.  Each wat is slightly different but they look overall the same at first glance.  It’s hard to tell wat what is what.  (snicker snicker)

It’s really difficult to describe the craftsmanship of these temples, you’ll just have to see them.  Every column, awning, eave, stairway, roof is covered with ornamentation.  All the buddha statues inside are covered with gold leaves.

Looking at the map, I saw there was a zoo a ways away, prolly a 20 minute ride, so I figured I should see that while I have the motorbike.  It became a lot of fun riding that thing around, even though I ended up having to pay for damages which were 890 baht (only about 36 USD).  The zoo had its ups and downs.  Some of the enclosures were quite large and nice and the aquarium was especially nice, while others were sort of small and murky, like the penguin space.  One awesome thing though, I got to see a giant panda (sim sim in Thai).  I’ve never seen one before.  I also figured out how the thai make chop sticks.  They throw a block of wood into a panda cage and it rips it apart into tiny chop stick like shards.  The panda’s kind of confused though cause instead of using them to eat with, it just eats the wood splinters.  Here’s the amazing part, it goes through its digestive system and comes out as tiny toothpick like pieces with a yellow tint.  Freakin thing digests em.  Funky.

After the zoo, I came back home, got some provisions from the 7 11 and had some dinner here at Daret’s.  They have a pretty good restaurant downstairs.  I noticed some guys playing chess and asked if I could play the winner.  The old man schooled me twice pretty severely and then gave me some pointers.  I meant to go to the Night bizarre but ended up falling asleep at around 8pm.  It’d been a long couple of days.  I don’t think I’ll go to the bizarre at all though cause I heard it’s mainly to buy brand copies like Fucci and Folex and I’m not really into brand names, plus I don’t need to spend any more money, which leads me to the second dangerous thing to do: shopping.

Yesterday, I woke up and rode my bike around a bit to see some distant wats (finding I’d seen some of them already just riding around).  I’d planned then just to walk around for the day afterwards.  However, while at Wat Chedi Luang, I met a guy named Mr. Noi.  He had a car and could drive me all around all day and up to Doi Suthep Temple for only 500 baht.  This turned out to be a great deal and the guy was really fun to talk to and spoke pretty good english.  He taught me some Thai words and I taught him some enlgish words.  (crap, just realized I forgot to sign his book, damn)  Only downside was there was a lot of opportunity for shopping and since I’m in Thailand, everything’s so cheap, I have now spent waaay too much money and kind of have a sick feeling in my stomach, as typically happens when I spend a lot of money on things I know I don’t need or that don’t serve a function.  (sigh, I’ll never be a part of the elite class… well maybe in Vegas. 

So first, we went to a monkey show where I got to hold monkeys and take pictures and saw monkeys doing amazing things like playing basketball, riding tricycles and swimming for coins.  I felt kind of sorry for them being caged up, but it’s not much different then a zoo, just with a show involved.  Then we went to a snake show where I saw a crazy man handling two king cobras at once.  He proved they were still venemous by milking them in front of us.  It was crazy.  There was a huge group of Isralis there who were being very loud and obnoxious.  They were running all over the place and yelling.  The guys in the show egged em on by getting the snakes close to the audience and throwing out fake snakes to freak people out.  The girls went crazy, crawling up on each other.  It as pretty funny.  So after kissing the cobra on the head and catching non venomous biting snakes in his mouth, he throws a boa constrictor, which was trying to bite him earlier, into a really deep dark pool of water where it likes to be and jumps in with it to try and catch it.  He does so of course.  it was an amazing thing to see.

After that, we traveled up to the top of the hill to go to Doi Suthep.  It’s a huge place, with like a hundred something steps to get up it, or just take the cable car.  On either side of the steps are giant nagas whose tails span the length of the entire stair way.  At the top is a golden pagoda which has something like 15 kilos of gold in it.  You have to take your shoes off before seeing it of course.  And the entire inside is lined with buddhas and nagas and moms (other spiritual protectors).  There is even a solid jade Buddha, that was really cool to see.  There are giant bells and gongs which I rang. All of the walls were painted with different stories of the Buddha and his past lives, or jakarta.  In some parts, you must enter the room sitting.  Since my knee was scarred up, I sort of did a walking crawl.  Wile in there, the monk motioned to me and others.  I followed what the others did and bowed my head with my hands in a prayer position. He flung holy water on us and then tied 9 threaded string around one wrist.  Nine is a lucky number in Thailand. So now, as Mr. Noi told me, I’ll have goodluck, but I doubt it since right after that was when the buying frenzy began. Mr. Noi was very happy that I had been blessed and strung by the monks cause that is a thing of chance (or luck). He doesn’t tell me cause if I don’t know and come back with it then I am lucky. Hmmm, come to think of it, I think that monk put a consumer spell on me to boost his country’s economy. Emerging from the steps there were of course rows and rows of vendors to try and sell you crap. They were pretty cheap though so I couldn’t resist and purchased some items, including a sitting Buddha in the position I especially like: one hand resting in meditation with the other hand touching the Earth; this represents the moment the Buddha gained enlightenment. He was sitting underneath the Bodi tree sworn not to leave until he attained enlightenment. He was being tempted by his enemy, but touched the ground to gain the attention of the Earth goddess at which point he gained enlightenment. This is how it all started.

From there, we journied back down the hill and Noi said he would show me how some of the wares of Thailand were made. We went to a jewel factory and I got to see how each gem is cut and polished and the jewelry is hand made and the stone is set. This “factory” could’ve been a high class resort. You’re greeted by beautiful thai girls who lead you to the factory room and then into the ginormous show room. And yes there’s an aquarium in the middle of the show room with sharks swimming in it. A bit over done, but I did feel wealthy while in there, so job well done decorator man. I wish I had that place in the States, would come in really handy for girlfriends… or maybe I’ll just become a sugar daddy. See! You see what that string did to me! Or was it the sharks?

Anyway, we went from there to a laquer factory. I didn’t know this, but it many of the decorations on the pottery and laquor crafts, they use duck and chicken eggs crushed up as decorations. It was quite cool. So yeah, bought some stuff there too. Then we went to a silk factory which was really cool to see how they made silk. I saw how the moths lay their eggs and they become worms who eat this certain type of leaves. After a few weeks, they form their cocoons out of one long strand of silk. Once the cocoon is finished, they sundry it (bye bye moth worm, you’re dead), then boil it (now you’re more dead). From the bowl of still wet boiled cocoons, they grab a few strands and wind it up into a ball. This ball is rather course, so they boil it again in salt water to make it really nice and soft. Then use those funky contraptions with the thread moving pedals and spool shooter to weave a pattern. I managed to not buy anything there. I almost bought a silk robe, but fought through it. After that, we went to a Thai rug shop (Noi wanted to visit his sister shortly who worked there and I had no problem with looking around). But damn, I grossly underestimated the sales people. I ended up buying a small (about 4ft x 2.5ft) silk/wool rug for $200. Arg, don’t need it, it pains me, but damn it if I haven’t always wanted one and it will look really nice on the wall in front of my bed. Theeeeen, it got even worse. Noi took me to his uncle’s shop for some tea. His uncle sells suits and someone told me that Thailand was the place to buy suits cause you can get a really nice quality suit, well fitted for cheap. I didn’t want to spend any more money but was talked into buying a silk pin stripe suit with mother of pearl silk shirt. I get fitted on Monday and I think it will look really nice. And it only cost $250. Something like that would be like a thousand bucks in the States right? Right? Someone help me out here!

After that, we went back to the bike shop so that I could pay for the bike damages and Noi and I parted ways. I’m going to have to call him though cause I wanted to get him to write something for me in Thai, maybe then I can sign his book. After that, I went to get my laundry which I had dropped off that morning.

Phew, it’s been a full day. Hehe, Noi and I were talking about accents people have and he did a pretty good british/aussie one. He said they’d always say ‘It’s been a foo dai.’ It was pretty funny. Tomorrow morning I leave for the jungle and started my malarone yesterday so I’m good to go. Oh, need a flash light. I’ll update you in a few days when I get back. Now time to grab some food.

Couple more things I have to add.  I was talking to the tour booking guy and he was wearing a jacket and said he was cold.  I’m in a tshirt and it feels great.  It’s probably like 70 something degrees here, maybe hotter.  I was actually hot cause it’s really humid.  Just thought that was funny.  Their winter is a little bit different then our. 

Also, I think this will be the last batch of picture updates, just cause the internet here is extreeeeemely slow.  So bask in these cause there won’t be more for a while.

Well it all worked out.  Got on the internet, grabbed some food and about 2 hours of shut eye in the airport. Then got up and bought a ticket for the first flight going to Chang Mai.   I arrived early this morning at about 7:50am.  I looked through my DK Eyewitness guidebook (the best guidebook there is) for some good hostels and found a nice cheap one; one of the oldest in Chang Mai actually.  There was a girl at the airport trying to get me accomodations for a “special price” of 450 baht, Daret’s Guesthouse, where I’m satying is only 120 baht.  To do the converstion for you, that’s a little less then $4/night!  I’m gonna save some significant cash while I’m here.  The room is a far cry from Tokyo, but it’s private and there’s running water, yay.

I think today or tomorrow I’ll go on a 3 day trek in the jungle and ride me some elephants.  Apparently it only costs 1200 baht, which includes food and accomodations for three days for only $40.  As for now, I’m gonna go get a padlock to put on my room, see if I can find a compass, and rent a motorbike to ride around town and see the sights.  Tonight, I’ll go to the night bizare near my hostel.

Oh, btw, I knew the sex trade was big here, but when I checked into my hostel, the guy behind the counter warned me to wear a condom cause all it takes is “woop” (he motions one tiny tip of the finger going into the hole made by his other hand) and “uh oh” I couldn’t help but laugh.

So I’m happy that my flight was later in the afternoon, cause that gave me more time to see stuff. However, that meant that I arrived in Bangkok at midnight and of course there are no other flights until the morning. I currently have a flight booked on airasia from Phuket to Singapore, well since my plans have changed, that flight is no longer necessary. Instead, I need to fly to Chiang Mai and from there to Singapore. I couldn’t do this online at all, so I decided to get to Bangkok and talke to the AirAsia desk to see if I can get a change or refund and then book a flight on whatever is available. Never quite gone somewhere without any bookings of where to go afterwards, so it might be stupid, but I think it will be okay.
I’m in the Bangkok airport right now, which is really nice by the way, waiting for the desk to open at 5am, it’s currently 2am.